First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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