I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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