How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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