He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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