I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
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today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
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Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
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