You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
