I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Randomize
