i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
