I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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