if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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