I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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