i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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