My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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