it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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