If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
