if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
