8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
