living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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