I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
