Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Randomize
