i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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