Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
