The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
