You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic