she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
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Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
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Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.