ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
