Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
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I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
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Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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