I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
