did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
