Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
