yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
