I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
