my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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