capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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