i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I cut my penus on the lid.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
