I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
