its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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