Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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