i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
