My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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