It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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