i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
