Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
