He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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