if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
