Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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