well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Randomize
