I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
