i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
