my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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