My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
