You kept calling me your small dog last night.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
