clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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