Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
